Death
by crazyevildru
Summary: Buffy has a question and Spike tries to answer.


SUMMARY: Buffy has a question and Spike tries to answer.  
  
RATING: R (light)  
  
PAIRING: Buffy/Spike  
  
SPOILERS: season 6  
  
DEDICATION: To EvilWillow my Evilwillow!  
  
DISCLAIMER: Joss Whedon owns the characters. I'm just abusing them for a while.  
  
FEEDBACK: PLEASE! It means SOOOO much! PLEASE PLEASE!  
  
DISTRIBUTION: Organized Insanity (http://www.geocities.com/crazyevildru/index.htm), otherwise ask me  
  
-Death-  
  
"What does death feel like?" She asks. As if *I* knew?! As if *I* were the bloody expert on it! Hardly.  
  
I shrug, "Dunno, Pet. Why do you ask?" I look at her, as I sit on the edge of the bed. She hasn't been down here in a couple weeks. Not since she came and threw the candle at me. She acted coy and shy and turned away when I stood up and I loved her for it.  
  
Don't ask me about why *exactly* I love the slayer, because I'll be damned if I know! I just know it's true. As sure as the sun will rise and kill me, it's true.  
  
But as good as those make-out sessions felt against my tongue and as good as her quim felt around my cock… it's over.  
  
She knows it and I know it.  
  
God, I know it. My fist just has *not* been gettin' the job done as of late. But that's what she said. She said it was over. She said it was a stupid mistake and it won't happen again.  
  
Quite frankly, though, I don't believe her. Not completely.  
  
"What does it feel like?" She asks again and I blink. Yeah, cause she's here. No need to brood or anything. (Not that I do.)  
  
"Dunno. What do you want me to say?"  
  
"Does it feel good?"  
  
"Causing it?"  
  
"Being dead. Feeling life slipping away… hearing it disappear. What's it like?"  
  
"Like death."  
  
She stops pacing and looks at me. "Does it feel cold? Like you can't ever get warm again, no matter how hard you try?"  
  
I nod. "I suppose."  
  
"Like air just doesn't seem important? Like you can take as much into your lungs as humanly possible and it won't matter?"  
  
"Yeah, I guess," I reply and quickly add, "And what's all this about, Slayer? Thinking of taking another dive?"  
  
She's completely silent. Her face is just like a statue, unmoving.  
  
"NO!" I growl and stand up. "You can't do that!"  
  
"Watch me!"  
  
"I DID! I bloody well did! And I watched your little sister suffer and wither away. Do you know that the first *real* smile on her face came when *you* were home? Do you know how dead she was inside while you were gone? You can't do that to her again!"  
  
"Can't do it to her? Or to *you*?!"  
  
"I don't bloody matter in this! I know that. But she does. *Dawn* matters, even to you, just a little bit, otherwise you woulda jumped that first night. So why didn't you?"  
  
"She said my name," she answers before starting to pace again. "Does it smell? Like something you'll just never smell again? Did you see light? When you died, did you see light? I did. It was blinding... What was it like?"  
  
I sit back down on the edge of the bed. "Don't remember. I just remember screaming."  
  
"I didn't scream. I didn't hear anything. It was just… quiet. It was peace. Something that you can't find here. No background noises, not even breathing. There was just nothing, nothing but the quiet."  
  
"Mine was voices," I confide in her. "I heard voices."  
  
"Whose voices?" She asks, pausing to look at me.  
  
"Dunno. Just voices. Screaming, whispering, singing… maybe Dru? But I don't think so. Just voices talking to me, telling me what was to come, what was going on… Devil whispers, telling me about the blood."  
  
"I miss the quiet," she states. "I miss that calm. Even if I'm lying in my bed, just completely limp and relaxed, I can't find that calm. I just… I *need* it."  
  
"You'll have it again, some day."  
  
"Not soon enough, Sp-" She stops herself and starts pacing again. She can't say my name. For the past two weeks, when we've been forced to work together… but she doesn't even look at me. She can't even say my name. Perhaps she thinks that if she doesn't say my name, I'll be someone else. Someone she *wants* here with her, instead of me. Although for the unlife of me, I can't figure out if it's Angel or her mum. Maybe it's neither.  
  
"What else? When you woke up, what then? Were there voices?"  
  
"Everything was changed. Things were louder, brighter, sweeter, more sour, more colorful, softer, duller, softer, harder… everything was different."  
  
She nods and keeps pacing back and forth, with her hands wrapped around her stomach. "What about pain?" She asks. "Was death pain?"  
  
"No," I tell her because it's the truth. Dying didn't *hurt*. "The bite did. But the dying itself… was a relief."  
  
"And after?"  
  
"After? Dunno. Like causing it. Didn't hurt *me* as much…"  
  
She stops and looks at me. "Don't you see?"  
  
"See what?"  
  
"See me! I'm that! You're right. I guess I knew… I mean, when I-" she looks down at her hands, examining them for marks or something. "I knew it was bleeding. I knew *I* was bleeding, but it didn't hurt. Like my blood, my body… didn't hurt, like it's not mine."  
  
"What?"  
  
"The voices? They scream at me. Light hurts my eyes. I wake up- with the sun coming in through the blinds… and it *hurts*. It makes me sick, like I'm never supposed to see it. I wasn't *meant* to see it again, Spike."  
  
My name?  
  
She said my name! Okay. No big. Get over it, Spike.  
  
Funny, that's exactly what she said. 'Get over it, Spike.'  
  
"Little by little, I feel like I'm losing my mind. Along with myself, I'm losing my mind."  
  
"You're not lost yet, Buffy."  
  
"Yes. I am. I *did* come back wrong, Spike. You know it… you can… you could kill me if you wanted. And you could because I'm wrong. It's like… ever since-" she trails off because we both know what night she's talking about. It's the only night I can think about!  
  
"Ever since- I've been trying to figure it out, find out… And I think I get it. You said that it's all blood. And it is. When I fell… I could feel my blood… it was burning and freezing all at once. I think… whatever made me *me*, was taken."  
  
"You bled yourself."  
  
"Yeah," she says and sits down next to me.  
  
She'll never be her again. You can't take back a gift and her blood was a gift.  
  
"How do I get me back?" Her small voice cracks and cuts the silence of the crypt.  
  
"I wish I knew, Luv, I wish I knew."  
  
She leans over and puts her head on my shoulder and weeps.  
  
THE END 


End file.
